This is a poem wrote for the graduating class of '58 by Shirley Crane, an alumni of Prairie Bible Inst. I thought it was really awesome.
Lord, cut, Lord carve, Lord wound me with the crosses that You choose, to perfect in me Your image!
Lord, remove all the dross and lumps of pride, and love of self, and love of idols.
You see blemishes and blots You cannot use, for they so mare the image, and defile the glory You would have.
Lord, Cut.
You see my worldly craving for all that life may have in store.
I would not seek for that which grieves You, and so I pray that with some kind of trial, You will remove the roots of worldliness, and make me more like You.
Lord, carve.
I fear that deep within this life that others see, You see pride.
O Lord, I have no cause to boast: It's Your life in me that counts. Do, Lord Jesus, carve out pride; and with some rough, deadly cross that You shall choose, wither its roots, and let it die.
Lord, wound.
You were wounded sore, and scorned, and shamed.
Who, then, am I, that I should seek an easier way, and ask that You make me just like You without the wounding of a cross?
So wound me, Lord, that I may learn by pain, that I hurt others by thoughtless words and careless deeds, and in hurting them, hurt You.
Lord, perfect in me Your image!
Make each cross a chisel that will take away all self, and pride, and dross;
And when it's through, I pray the world may see nought else of me;
But see, instead, the image of the Savior, and give all glory, Lord, to Thee.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Psalm 62:5-6
As I was reading these verses this morning, it stuck out to me like:
Waiting only for God,
Expecting only from God,
Depending only on God,
Saved only by God,
Fighting with only God's strength,
And I'll be alright.
Waiting only for God,
Expecting only from God,
Depending only on God,
Saved only by God,
Fighting with only God's strength,
And I'll be alright.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
"If only you knew how much I love you..."
I pray to my God, the God of my salvation.
I do not ask Him to show me the future,
Nor do I petition that He show me a solution.
What I ask is just that I may learn to trust.
My emotions get so out of wack many days,
I feel confused, excited, disappointed, upset,
Ecstatic, exhausted, and sick... all at once.
Most of all, though, I crave dependence.
To learn to trust God with these emotions
Is what He asks of me, honestly and openly.
"It hurts to give You what I must lay down...
....but when I let go, freedom is found...."
"And what about this? What about that?"
I ask God, forgetting about the resolve to trust.
Coming to the conclusion that I have no excuse,
I tell God, "It just hurts; it just hurts too much."
And in the midst of all of my confusion and pain,
He is ever faithful, and it always amazes me.
As I wait in silence and expectation before Him,
He says, "If only you knew how much I love you..."
I do not ask Him to show me the future,
Nor do I petition that He show me a solution.
What I ask is just that I may learn to trust.
My emotions get so out of wack many days,
I feel confused, excited, disappointed, upset,
Ecstatic, exhausted, and sick... all at once.
Most of all, though, I crave dependence.
To learn to trust God with these emotions
Is what He asks of me, honestly and openly.
"It hurts to give You what I must lay down...
....but when I let go, freedom is found...."
"And what about this? What about that?"
I ask God, forgetting about the resolve to trust.
Coming to the conclusion that I have no excuse,
I tell God, "It just hurts; it just hurts too much."
And in the midst of all of my confusion and pain,
He is ever faithful, and it always amazes me.
As I wait in silence and expectation before Him,
He says, "If only you knew how much I love you..."
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Happiness of Trusting in God
I will bless my God all the time! His praise is what I'm going to speak of continually.
Look at what God has done! Look at who God is! How magnificent He is!
I will only boast in the Lord, being humble and glad before Him.
Please, will you sing His praise with me? Together, lets exalt Him!!
I search for God earnestly. He hears me and delivers me from my fears and worries.
I've seen that those who look to God receive joy, and do not have to be ashamed before Him.
In my poverty of heart, I cry to God. God hears me and saves me from my trouble.
Angels guard over me as I trust in God, delivering me from demons and their lies.
Come on, let's delight in the Lord! Taste, see how good He is! Trust in Him!
Fear Him, for He is almighty. What more could you want other than His blessings?
This is true: Those who don't fear and seek God die of spiritual starvation. Really.
But those who seek God will not lack any good thing. God gives them every good thing.
I long to teach the children the fear of the Lord. Please don't withhold this good from them!!
Who loves life? God gives life to those who obey. Who wants to live a long time?
Don't speak of evil - not a hint!! Keep yourself from speaking deceit and lies!
Leave evil, even evil games, and don't go back. Seek peace, yes, pursue peace!
God watches the righteous and He hears them when they cry. He is attentive to help them.
But those who are doing evil? Not so! He will cut them off, not even want to remember them.
The Lord is so close to the one with a broken heart, a shattered heart. Do you know this?
The Lord saves the sinner who now has a sense of guilt and the desire for atonement!!!
Those living in righteousness have many hurts, but God delivers them from all of it in His time!
Those who live evil will also die because of their evil. Don't be deceived by prosperity preaching.
Check out what God does: gives redemption for the souls of His servants!!
No one who trusts and depends on God will be condemned. Depend on God for life.
(Truths From Psalm 34)
Look at what God has done! Look at who God is! How magnificent He is!
I will only boast in the Lord, being humble and glad before Him.
Please, will you sing His praise with me? Together, lets exalt Him!!
I search for God earnestly. He hears me and delivers me from my fears and worries.
I've seen that those who look to God receive joy, and do not have to be ashamed before Him.
In my poverty of heart, I cry to God. God hears me and saves me from my trouble.
Angels guard over me as I trust in God, delivering me from demons and their lies.
Come on, let's delight in the Lord! Taste, see how good He is! Trust in Him!
Fear Him, for He is almighty. What more could you want other than His blessings?
This is true: Those who don't fear and seek God die of spiritual starvation. Really.
But those who seek God will not lack any good thing. God gives them every good thing.
I long to teach the children the fear of the Lord. Please don't withhold this good from them!!
Who loves life? God gives life to those who obey. Who wants to live a long time?
Don't speak of evil - not a hint!! Keep yourself from speaking deceit and lies!
Leave evil, even evil games, and don't go back. Seek peace, yes, pursue peace!
God watches the righteous and He hears them when they cry. He is attentive to help them.
But those who are doing evil? Not so! He will cut them off, not even want to remember them.
The Lord is so close to the one with a broken heart, a shattered heart. Do you know this?
The Lord saves the sinner who now has a sense of guilt and the desire for atonement!!!
Those living in righteousness have many hurts, but God delivers them from all of it in His time!
Those who live evil will also die because of their evil. Don't be deceived by prosperity preaching.
Check out what God does: gives redemption for the souls of His servants!!
No one who trusts and depends on God will be condemned. Depend on God for life.
(Truths From Psalm 34)
Sunday, February 17, 2008
The Underlying Spiritual Battle in Sunday School
Battling with personal struggles, I memorized 2 Corinthians 10:3-6, "For though we walk in the flesh, we do not wage war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God. Bringing every thought into captivity into the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obediance is fulfilled. " I'm seeing how much every struggle in my life should be fought with our spiritual weapons which are soooooooooooooooooooooo much more powerful than carnal, because my life is 100% spiritual!
This past week, God's been asking me to get up early to pray for my Sunday school kids. I have been, most days. Last night I stayed up kind of late because I couldnt think of approprate games and visuals to go with the story, Feeding of the 5000 and how we need to share Gods word with others! I sensed that I needed to pray all the more, and that there was something that Satan was trying to discourage me over. This morning, I was much to tired at 6:30 to pray. I was SO emotionally exhausted that I didn't really even want to pray. But, realizing it was the devil trying to stop me from God's work, I did anyway. And am I ever glad I did!
After the service, I went to the classroom. Utter chaos. When all the kids got there, I had 18 K-2ed graders. My 13 year old helper wanted to let the kids tackle him more than he put effort into help teach... Jessica, my strong-willed child who is allergic to practically everything, coincidently wanted to eat everything!! (The classroom does have a lot of candy and food belonging to the school teacher.) Her dad was teaching 2&3s next door, and didnt have a much help either. I knew I couldn't send her over there to disrupt his class.
Sooooooo it was like: Ate Spongebob candy from the teacher's desk, Crabby Patty candy in the trash, apologized to me and to God for stealing, time out. Crabby Patty out of garbage and into mouth, spit it out in the trash, moved to another timeout. Hit someone, time out. Talked and prayed, out of time out and hit someone, time out. Snuck out of classroom, timeout. Out of time out, forcefully would not share toy mice, time out. Stole a cookie that may have had traces of peanuts, timeout. Held wiggly girl on lap while kids colored page and we (tried to) talk about God's love and power for self-control.
But Jessica was not the only one who demanded attention! Her sister Johanna wanted to follow her disobedience! Trying to run out of class to her dad next door who also had his hands full, Johanna was in time and on my lap a lot too! "I want my dad..." "I know, but hes teaching too." "I want my dad!" "I understand, but we are going to have so much fun and learn so much today!" "I want my dad..." and on and on and on...
Meanwhile, Leam has some major trouble trying to get down the ladder. Please, kids, do not stand or sit on the counters. No running in class, someones going to get hurt. Micah, Caleb, and Christopher think its the most awesome idea to play tackle dog pile while yelling as loud as they can, and then hide Micah's shoes. As I'm talking to Milly who is complaining that Elam stole her doll, I realize that the tower of boys in the dog pile is getting MUCH too rowdy! Asking Micah to get up and the boys off of him, more kids come in!! Praying constantly for strength and wisdom, I see that we are ready to start class.
Could go into greater detail about how class was..... but that was how it was the entire time. We had about three group talks like: "Put your hand on your head if your listening. *1 min later* I still see kids with hands not on heads. *1 min later* Okay. Guys, its too rowdy in here today. We need to settle down, okay? No running or standing on chairs or tables. Eyes up here. What are some ways we can pay attention to the Bible lesson?"
I left wondering if and praying that some of them would take something to heart. As I was leaving, Leam ran to give me a hug goodbye. After he let go, I asked him "Did you like Sunday school?" "Yeah!!" "What was your favorite part?" "Snack!!!" "Oh yeah? What was the lesson on?" "Sharing!" Okay, maybe he did understand, some. I guess I wont ever know what God does in the hearts of children I teach.
Back at lunch, Kristine asked, "Isnt there that verse that says not to give up when teaching?" "You mean 1 Corinthians 15:58- be steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in love, knowing that your labor for the Lord is not in vain?" "Yeah! hahaha." Shes right anyway. And the battle isn't ours, nor is it physical. I'm going to take up the armor of God so that I can stand against these wiles! Praying continuously!
This past week, God's been asking me to get up early to pray for my Sunday school kids. I have been, most days. Last night I stayed up kind of late because I couldnt think of approprate games and visuals to go with the story, Feeding of the 5000 and how we need to share Gods word with others! I sensed that I needed to pray all the more, and that there was something that Satan was trying to discourage me over. This morning, I was much to tired at 6:30 to pray. I was SO emotionally exhausted that I didn't really even want to pray. But, realizing it was the devil trying to stop me from God's work, I did anyway. And am I ever glad I did!
After the service, I went to the classroom. Utter chaos. When all the kids got there, I had 18 K-2ed graders. My 13 year old helper wanted to let the kids tackle him more than he put effort into help teach... Jessica, my strong-willed child who is allergic to practically everything, coincidently wanted to eat everything!! (The classroom does have a lot of candy and food belonging to the school teacher.) Her dad was teaching 2&3s next door, and didnt have a much help either. I knew I couldn't send her over there to disrupt his class.
Sooooooo it was like: Ate Spongebob candy from the teacher's desk, Crabby Patty candy in the trash, apologized to me and to God for stealing, time out. Crabby Patty out of garbage and into mouth, spit it out in the trash, moved to another timeout. Hit someone, time out. Talked and prayed, out of time out and hit someone, time out. Snuck out of classroom, timeout. Out of time out, forcefully would not share toy mice, time out. Stole a cookie that may have had traces of peanuts, timeout. Held wiggly girl on lap while kids colored page and we (tried to) talk about God's love and power for self-control.
But Jessica was not the only one who demanded attention! Her sister Johanna wanted to follow her disobedience! Trying to run out of class to her dad next door who also had his hands full, Johanna was in time and on my lap a lot too! "I want my dad..." "I know, but hes teaching too." "I want my dad!" "I understand, but we are going to have so much fun and learn so much today!" "I want my dad..." and on and on and on...
Meanwhile, Leam has some major trouble trying to get down the ladder. Please, kids, do not stand or sit on the counters. No running in class, someones going to get hurt. Micah, Caleb, and Christopher think its the most awesome idea to play tackle dog pile while yelling as loud as they can, and then hide Micah's shoes. As I'm talking to Milly who is complaining that Elam stole her doll, I realize that the tower of boys in the dog pile is getting MUCH too rowdy! Asking Micah to get up and the boys off of him, more kids come in!! Praying constantly for strength and wisdom, I see that we are ready to start class.
Could go into greater detail about how class was..... but that was how it was the entire time. We had about three group talks like: "Put your hand on your head if your listening. *1 min later* I still see kids with hands not on heads. *1 min later* Okay. Guys, its too rowdy in here today. We need to settle down, okay? No running or standing on chairs or tables. Eyes up here. What are some ways we can pay attention to the Bible lesson?"
I left wondering if and praying that some of them would take something to heart. As I was leaving, Leam ran to give me a hug goodbye. After he let go, I asked him "Did you like Sunday school?" "Yeah!!" "What was your favorite part?" "Snack!!!" "Oh yeah? What was the lesson on?" "Sharing!" Okay, maybe he did understand, some. I guess I wont ever know what God does in the hearts of children I teach.
Back at lunch, Kristine asked, "Isnt there that verse that says not to give up when teaching?" "You mean 1 Corinthians 15:58- be steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in love, knowing that your labor for the Lord is not in vain?" "Yeah! hahaha." Shes right anyway. And the battle isn't ours, nor is it physical. I'm going to take up the armor of God so that I can stand against these wiles! Praying continuously!
Friday, February 8, 2008
Jessica's Understanding of Our Battle
Jessica is thee strongest-willed child I have ever met. She's 7 years old and the second oldest of her 3 siblings, Joclinne, Johanna, and Josiah who I babysit. Jessica has Epilepsy, characterized by seizures, a lot of meds, allergies to practically everything and low mental capacity when tired. Given, these things are true about her. But she fascinates me by her strong will.
Last time I babysat these kids, Jessica saw Johanna put a Band-Aid on her arm. Jessica was then was completely convinced that it was Band-Aid Day the next day and we urgently needed to prepare by unwrapping as many adhesive bandages as possible and stick them to the furniture!! Also, masking tape name tags on everyone including the stuffed animals added to the beauty of Band-Aid day. Knowing that her parents would not appreciate adhesive bandages or masking tape on the floor or wood furniture, I told her, "Band-Aids are only for people, and the tape is not to go on any furniture or floor. Otherwise, have fun! Okay?" Not okay. She was in time out every five minutes for adhesive bandages on the furniture and floor. Despite this, I still found more on the furniture after she went to bed.
But putting her to bed was another story altogether. After the other kids had gone to sleep, she was still awake and wanted to get out of bed. With a plea to God, "Let her fall asleep soon...," I went to talk to her. (Thankfully she was sleeping in her parents bed so as not to wake up her sisters.) Here is what our conversation was like:
"Jessica, you need to stay in bed now."
"Why?"
"Because its time to go to sleep."
"But I dont want to."
"But your dad said that bedtime is 7:30 and it's past that now."
"But I'm not tired."
"Did you know that God wants you to obey your dad? And that by obeying, you make God happy... but if you choose to disobey, it makes Him sad?"
"Oh."
"And if you choose not to obey, it makes the devil, Satan, who is God's enemy, happy. Do you want to make Satan happy?
"Who's Satan?"
"God's enemy."
"Whats an emeny?"
"Its who we fight against in a battle."
*wide eyes* "Whats a battle?"
"Like a war... only this war is one that we cannot see."
*wider eyes* "Why not?"
"Well can you see God, who wants good? Can you see His enemy, the devil, who wants bad?"
"No... why not?"
"Because God wants us to have faith. If we could see Him with our eyes, it wouldn't be faith. But just like we cant see God or His enemy, Satan, we can't see the battle that we are in for God."
"Oh."
"But you first have to be on God's team if you want to fight for Him. Have you ever asked Jesus into your life to be in charge?"
"Yeah I did!!!"
"Great!!!! Well then YOU can fight on God side in this special battle against Satan and his bad stuff."
"Whats a battle?"
"It's like a war... only this war is special and even more important because we can't see it and because it makes up how we live."
"Ooooooooohhhhhh....." (I could hear the *click*)
*As I look at one hand,* "God made you and He loves you. He wants you to obey Him and choose to do good things, like obey your parents and people in charge."
"Like you?"
"Yeah, like me. Other good things that God wants you to do are like being kind to your sisters and brother, doing your best in school, and when you get older, teaching other people to obey Him."
"Hmm..."
*As I look at my other hand,* "But the devil, God's enemy, wants you to obey him. He wants you to choose bad things... like disobeying your parents, hitting other people, lying, and telling others to do bad things. But you can't obey both God and Satan! Who are you going to chose to obey, fight for?"
"ummmm........"
"Who do you want to win the battle?" I silently ask God to make the situation clear to her.
*She looks at both of my hands,* "......God."
"Awesome! Well in the book of Ephesians, the Bible talks about some special armor for you to wear in the battle. You cant see the armor either. But I'll have to tell you about it next time I come over because its getting pretty late."
After "goodnight"s, and I start to leave, I wonder if she has actually paid attention, and pray that she did. But maybe she just wanted to talk in order to stay up later (she would!!). Maybe she is too tired to actually take it to heart. Maybe she wanted the extra one-on-one time. Maybe..... maybe.... maybe..... But then I hear her as I leave, "I'll be thinkin' about all that...." *yawn*
She is going to grow up just as strong-willed as she is now, perhaps more so. If she chooses to believe the Bible with everything she is, she will rarely think of turning from what she believes or rejecting her relationship with God. Her sisters and friends follow her now; what will happen when shes an adult? She's strong, very strong, in will.... God will use her in mighty ways as she chooses to let Him.
I want to be like Jessica and the determined spirit she has.
Last time I babysat these kids, Jessica saw Johanna put a Band-Aid on her arm. Jessica was then was completely convinced that it was Band-Aid Day the next day and we urgently needed to prepare by unwrapping as many adhesive bandages as possible and stick them to the furniture!! Also, masking tape name tags on everyone including the stuffed animals added to the beauty of Band-Aid day. Knowing that her parents would not appreciate adhesive bandages or masking tape on the floor or wood furniture, I told her, "Band-Aids are only for people, and the tape is not to go on any furniture or floor. Otherwise, have fun! Okay?" Not okay. She was in time out every five minutes for adhesive bandages on the furniture and floor. Despite this, I still found more on the furniture after she went to bed.
But putting her to bed was another story altogether. After the other kids had gone to sleep, she was still awake and wanted to get out of bed. With a plea to God, "Let her fall asleep soon...," I went to talk to her. (Thankfully she was sleeping in her parents bed so as not to wake up her sisters.) Here is what our conversation was like:
"Jessica, you need to stay in bed now."
"Why?"
"Because its time to go to sleep."
"But I dont want to."
"But your dad said that bedtime is 7:30 and it's past that now."
"But I'm not tired."
"Did you know that God wants you to obey your dad? And that by obeying, you make God happy... but if you choose to disobey, it makes Him sad?"
"Oh."
"And if you choose not to obey, it makes the devil, Satan, who is God's enemy, happy. Do you want to make Satan happy?
"Who's Satan?"
"God's enemy."
"Whats an emeny?"
"Its who we fight against in a battle."
*wide eyes* "Whats a battle?"
"Like a war... only this war is one that we cannot see."
*wider eyes* "Why not?"
"Well can you see God, who wants good? Can you see His enemy, the devil, who wants bad?"
"No... why not?"
"Because God wants us to have faith. If we could see Him with our eyes, it wouldn't be faith. But just like we cant see God or His enemy, Satan, we can't see the battle that we are in for God."
"Oh."
"But you first have to be on God's team if you want to fight for Him. Have you ever asked Jesus into your life to be in charge?"
"Yeah I did!!!"
"Great!!!! Well then YOU can fight on God side in this special battle against Satan and his bad stuff."
"Whats a battle?"
"It's like a war... only this war is special and even more important because we can't see it and because it makes up how we live."
"Ooooooooohhhhhh....." (I could hear the *click*)
*As I look at one hand,* "God made you and He loves you. He wants you to obey Him and choose to do good things, like obey your parents and people in charge."
"Like you?"
"Yeah, like me. Other good things that God wants you to do are like being kind to your sisters and brother, doing your best in school, and when you get older, teaching other people to obey Him."
"Hmm..."
*As I look at my other hand,* "But the devil, God's enemy, wants you to obey him. He wants you to choose bad things... like disobeying your parents, hitting other people, lying, and telling others to do bad things. But you can't obey both God and Satan! Who are you going to chose to obey, fight for?"
"ummmm........"
"Who do you want to win the battle?" I silently ask God to make the situation clear to her.
*She looks at both of my hands,* "......God."
"Awesome! Well in the book of Ephesians, the Bible talks about some special armor for you to wear in the battle. You cant see the armor either. But I'll have to tell you about it next time I come over because its getting pretty late."
After "goodnight"s, and I start to leave, I wonder if she has actually paid attention, and pray that she did. But maybe she just wanted to talk in order to stay up later (she would!!). Maybe she is too tired to actually take it to heart. Maybe she wanted the extra one-on-one time. Maybe..... maybe.... maybe..... But then I hear her as I leave, "I'll be thinkin' about all that...." *yawn*
She is going to grow up just as strong-willed as she is now, perhaps more so. If she chooses to believe the Bible with everything she is, she will rarely think of turning from what she believes or rejecting her relationship with God. Her sisters and friends follow her now; what will happen when shes an adult? She's strong, very strong, in will.... God will use her in mighty ways as she chooses to let Him.
I want to be like Jessica and the determined spirit she has.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Most Fearful Night
I can write about it now because I am not so fearful and I realize that this night has been very powerful to me. I realized (what I needed to know of) the extent of God's strength and dependability. He is everlasting. Everything life-sustaining comes from Him. Everything.
It was a Friday night last November and my roommate Tracy was gone for the weekend. Though I had enough sleep the previous night, I was very exhausted, weary, and emotionally drained. I went to bed asking God for a hug. I told Him that if He wouldn't uphold me, there was not a point to life. As I laid in bed, I realized that the whole day I had tried to keep busy to preoccupy my mind from where it would wander and worry. But now it was time to sleep, and I couldn't. I was finally still enough to let my mind wander, but it was too painful to let it wander. I clutched my stuffed animals and doll for comfort, but they weren't enough. I asked God for a hug again. In every way but physically, He gave me a hug. In emotions, in thoughts, in response, I knew He was "hugging" me. I grabbed my Bible and placed it next to my pillow. Putting my hand on its pages, I recited to myself as many Psalms as I could in any order they came.
"The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusted in Him and I am helped... Trust in Him at all times you people. Pour out your heart before Him, God is a refuge for us... may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You, oh God my Rock and my Redeemer... The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want... show me Your ways, oh Lord, teach me Your paths... You have been a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy... yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear.... In the multitude of anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.... My heart is stricken and withered like grass so that I forget to eat.... but You, O Lord shall endure forever.... My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.... I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I have not hidden. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord," and You forgave the iniquity of my heart... You are my hiding place, You shall preserve me from trouble; You shall surround me with songs of deliverance... When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice........"
And I fell asleep, for a few hours. I woke up sweaty at 3 AM because I had left my computer on and it was being loud. I was actually quite relieved to wake up, even though I woke up with a bad feeling as if I had been dreaming a nightmare. But what happened then felt much worse than any nightmare. I thought to myself, "If I don't fall asleep again, I am going to be dreadfully tired in the morning." So I turned off my computer and tried to fall back to sleep. It became so quiet in my room. I heard a suggestion come from somewhere, "Even if you don't fall asleep, you will still be dreadfully tired in the morning!" I knew it was half true. If I was depending on myself or anyone else, I'd be 100% exhausted. Only if I was depending on God would I have energy. Another suggestion came, "This time you are in too much pain for God to help you out. You are beyond His help! Your sin is too great!!" I knew it was a lie, but I was scared. I knew there were demons in my room. I turned my computer back on; I thought I needed the noise. I turned the light on and got some soft Nichole Nordeman music playing, singing the Lord's promises. I wrote in my journal, "Dear God, Its 4 am and Im really scared. I know that You are stronger than my fears... and demons. 'You are my hiding place. You shall preserve me from trouble...' God, I want to leave this place. I want to get out of here. Not physically, but emotionally. O please God! You ARE my light and my salvation!!! Why am I so fearful?? Everything within me says, 'Cry!' Why, God? I desperately need Your help! Im tired to... no, exhausted, fatigued.... and Im scared.... I want peace internally. You are my life. Love, Joanna."
With that, I turned off the overhead light and turned on my little lamp. I left the music playing very softly and laid back down. From somewhere in the room came the thought, "See what you got yourself in to? Its all your fault- all your pain. And its just too much for God." And again, "See? God lied. Your sin is simply too much for Him. Your on your own now." They kept taunting me. I was suddenly extremely terrified of the demons touching me. Hiding under the covers hugging my Bible, I again claimed the promises from Psalms which I had memorized. I asked God, "God did you really mean that you could save me as bad as I am? Are they right? Can they touch me?" And He communicated in my heart, "Joanna, you are mine. I love you forever and wont let you go. 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' They cant touch you. Know that I love you."
Accepting His love and admitting to God that the demons were right in that I was in pain, I told God, "I've sinned. Now I hurt and here's why..." In my heart, God said, "I know." "But God... I hurt so bad..." "Joanna, I know. I've always been with you. I feel your pain, I carry your burden." Psalm 68:19, I knew it was true. Knowing that God wouldn't mind if I gave Him a little vent of my depressed feelings anyway, I started again. "God, I hurt and heres w-" "I know," He interjected. This time it was a relief, as if I had vented all my emotions to Him without words involved. I knew I didn't need to put the effort into telling Him all of it again. I knew that my heart was then "poured out before Him" (Psalm 62). I thought, "Wow, its already like 5 am and I doubt that I will fall back to sleep. I'm going to be exhausted." And then I realized the truth, "If I rely on myself or others for sleep, I will fail and be exhausted. But God can give me the stigma that sleep would. I 'do not wage war according to the flesh.' God is my stronghold." I relaxed in God's father-like embrace and gave up fighting to sleep. I didn't fall asleep again, but truly rested in His arms. For the next day, I had more energy and strength than I had for the entire previous semester.
I will strive to live Psalm 63:6-8 to God forever: "When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice. My soul follows close behind You. Your right hand upholds me."
It was a Friday night last November and my roommate Tracy was gone for the weekend. Though I had enough sleep the previous night, I was very exhausted, weary, and emotionally drained. I went to bed asking God for a hug. I told Him that if He wouldn't uphold me, there was not a point to life. As I laid in bed, I realized that the whole day I had tried to keep busy to preoccupy my mind from where it would wander and worry. But now it was time to sleep, and I couldn't. I was finally still enough to let my mind wander, but it was too painful to let it wander. I clutched my stuffed animals and doll for comfort, but they weren't enough. I asked God for a hug again. In every way but physically, He gave me a hug. In emotions, in thoughts, in response, I knew He was "hugging" me. I grabbed my Bible and placed it next to my pillow. Putting my hand on its pages, I recited to myself as many Psalms as I could in any order they came.
"The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusted in Him and I am helped... Trust in Him at all times you people. Pour out your heart before Him, God is a refuge for us... may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You, oh God my Rock and my Redeemer... The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want... show me Your ways, oh Lord, teach me Your paths... You have been a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy... yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear.... In the multitude of anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.... My heart is stricken and withered like grass so that I forget to eat.... but You, O Lord shall endure forever.... My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.... I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I have not hidden. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord," and You forgave the iniquity of my heart... You are my hiding place, You shall preserve me from trouble; You shall surround me with songs of deliverance... When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice........"
And I fell asleep, for a few hours. I woke up sweaty at 3 AM because I had left my computer on and it was being loud. I was actually quite relieved to wake up, even though I woke up with a bad feeling as if I had been dreaming a nightmare. But what happened then felt much worse than any nightmare. I thought to myself, "If I don't fall asleep again, I am going to be dreadfully tired in the morning." So I turned off my computer and tried to fall back to sleep. It became so quiet in my room. I heard a suggestion come from somewhere, "Even if you don't fall asleep, you will still be dreadfully tired in the morning!" I knew it was half true. If I was depending on myself or anyone else, I'd be 100% exhausted. Only if I was depending on God would I have energy. Another suggestion came, "This time you are in too much pain for God to help you out. You are beyond His help! Your sin is too great!!" I knew it was a lie, but I was scared. I knew there were demons in my room. I turned my computer back on; I thought I needed the noise. I turned the light on and got some soft Nichole Nordeman music playing, singing the Lord's promises. I wrote in my journal, "Dear God, Its 4 am and Im really scared. I know that You are stronger than my fears... and demons. 'You are my hiding place. You shall preserve me from trouble...' God, I want to leave this place. I want to get out of here. Not physically, but emotionally. O please God! You ARE my light and my salvation!!! Why am I so fearful?? Everything within me says, 'Cry!' Why, God? I desperately need Your help! Im tired to... no, exhausted, fatigued.... and Im scared.... I want peace internally. You are my life. Love, Joanna."
With that, I turned off the overhead light and turned on my little lamp. I left the music playing very softly and laid back down. From somewhere in the room came the thought, "See what you got yourself in to? Its all your fault- all your pain. And its just too much for God." And again, "See? God lied. Your sin is simply too much for Him. Your on your own now." They kept taunting me. I was suddenly extremely terrified of the demons touching me. Hiding under the covers hugging my Bible, I again claimed the promises from Psalms which I had memorized. I asked God, "God did you really mean that you could save me as bad as I am? Are they right? Can they touch me?" And He communicated in my heart, "Joanna, you are mine. I love you forever and wont let you go. 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' They cant touch you. Know that I love you."
Accepting His love and admitting to God that the demons were right in that I was in pain, I told God, "I've sinned. Now I hurt and here's why..." In my heart, God said, "I know." "But God... I hurt so bad..." "Joanna, I know. I've always been with you. I feel your pain, I carry your burden." Psalm 68:19, I knew it was true. Knowing that God wouldn't mind if I gave Him a little vent of my depressed feelings anyway, I started again. "God, I hurt and heres w-" "I know," He interjected. This time it was a relief, as if I had vented all my emotions to Him without words involved. I knew I didn't need to put the effort into telling Him all of it again. I knew that my heart was then "poured out before Him" (Psalm 62). I thought, "Wow, its already like 5 am and I doubt that I will fall back to sleep. I'm going to be exhausted." And then I realized the truth, "If I rely on myself or others for sleep, I will fail and be exhausted. But God can give me the stigma that sleep would. I 'do not wage war according to the flesh.' God is my stronghold." I relaxed in God's father-like embrace and gave up fighting to sleep. I didn't fall asleep again, but truly rested in His arms. For the next day, I had more energy and strength than I had for the entire previous semester.
I will strive to live Psalm 63:6-8 to God forever: "When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice. My soul follows close behind You. Your right hand upholds me."
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