Most Fearful Night

I can write about it now because I am not so fearful and I realize that this night has been very powerful to me. I realized (what I needed to know of) the extent of God's strength and dependability. He is everlasting. Everything life-sustaining comes from Him. Everything.

It was a Friday night last November and my roommate Tracy was gone for the weekend. Though I had enough sleep the previous night, I was very exhausted, weary, and emotionally drained. I went to bed asking God for a hug. I told Him that if He wouldn't uphold me, there was not a point to life. As I laid in bed, I realized that the whole day I had tried to keep busy to preoccupy my mind from where it would wander and worry. But now it was time to sleep, and I couldn't. I was finally still enough to let my mind wander, but it was too painful to let it wander. I clutched my stuffed animals and doll for comfort, but they weren't enough. I asked God for a hug again. In every way but physically, He gave me a hug. In emotions, in thoughts, in response, I knew He was "hugging" me. I grabbed my Bible and placed it next to my pillow. Putting my hand on its pages, I recited to myself as many Psalms as I could in any order they came.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusted in Him and I am helped... Trust in Him at all times you people. Pour out your heart before Him, God is a refuge for us... may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You, oh God my Rock and my Redeemer... The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want... show me Your ways, oh Lord, teach me Your paths... You have been a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy... yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear.... In the multitude of anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.... My heart is stricken and withered like grass so that I forget to eat.... but You, O Lord shall endure forever.... My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.... I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I have not hidden. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord," and You forgave the iniquity of my heart... You are my hiding place, You shall preserve me from trouble; You shall surround me with songs of deliverance... When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice........"

And I fell asleep, for a few hours. I woke up sweaty at 3 AM because I had left my computer on and it was being loud. I was actually quite relieved to wake up, even though I woke up with a bad feeling as if I had been dreaming a nightmare. But what happened then felt much worse than any nightmare. I thought to myself, "If I don't fall asleep again, I am going to be dreadfully tired in the morning." So I turned off my computer and tried to fall back to sleep. It became so quiet in my room. I heard a suggestion come from somewhere, "Even if you don't fall asleep, you will still be dreadfully tired in the morning!" I knew it was half true. If I was depending on myself or anyone else, I'd be 100% exhausted. Only if I was depending on God would I have energy. Another suggestion came, "This time you are in too much pain for God to help you out. You are beyond His help! Your sin is too great!!" I knew it was a lie, but I was scared. I knew there were demons in my room. I turned my computer back on; I thought I needed the noise. I turned the light on and got some soft Nichole Nordeman music playing, singing the Lord's promises. I wrote in my journal, "Dear God, Its 4 am and Im really scared. I know that You are stronger than my fears... and demons. 'You are my hiding place. You shall preserve me from trouble...' God, I want to leave this place. I want to get out of here. Not physically, but emotionally. O please God! You ARE my light and my salvation!!! Why am I so fearful?? Everything within me says, 'Cry!' Why, God? I desperately need Your help! Im tired to... no, exhausted, fatigued.... and Im scared.... I want peace internally. You are my life. Love, Joanna."

With that, I turned off the overhead light and turned on my little lamp. I left the music playing very softly and laid back down. From somewhere in the room came the thought, "See what you got yourself in to? Its all your fault- all your pain. And its just too much for God." And again, "See? God lied. Your sin is simply too much for Him. Your on your own now." They kept taunting me. I was suddenly extremely terrified of the demons touching me. Hiding under the covers hugging my Bible, I again claimed the promises from Psalms which I had memorized. I asked God, "God did you really mean that you could save me as bad as I am? Are they right? Can they touch me?" And He communicated in my heart, "Joanna, you are mine. I love you forever and wont let you go. 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' They cant touch you. Know that I love you."

Accepting His love and admitting to God that the demons were right in that I was in pain, I told God, "I've sinned. Now I hurt and here's why..." In my heart, God said, "I know." "But God... I hurt so bad..." "Joanna, I know. I've always been with you. I feel your pain, I carry your burden." Psalm 68:19, I knew it was true. Knowing that God wouldn't mind if I gave Him a little vent of my depressed feelings anyway, I started again. "God, I hurt and heres w-" "I know," He interjected. This time it was a relief, as if I had vented all my emotions to Him without words involved. I knew I didn't need to put the effort into telling Him all of it again. I knew that my heart was then "poured out before Him" (Psalm 62). I thought, "Wow, its already like 5 am and I doubt that I will fall back to sleep. I'm going to be exhausted." And then I realized the truth, "If I rely on myself or others for sleep, I will fail and be exhausted. But God can give me the stigma that sleep would. I 'do not wage war according to the flesh.' God is my stronghold." I relaxed in God's father-like embrace and gave up fighting to sleep. I didn't fall asleep again, but truly rested in His arms. For the next day, I had more energy and strength than I had for the entire previous semester.


I will strive to live Psalm 63:6-8 to God forever: "When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice. My soul follows close behind You. Your right hand upholds me."